August 23, 2018
I began writing this on the above date and continued November 2018. "Go slow if you must but keep going."- Unknown
I share all this in hopes to help others shed light on themselves and their own abuse cycle (especially the ones that are self-inflicted) and healing journey.
I wondered if I would ever get back to posting on this page. For a couple years now I have been experiencing different levels of "Dark Night of the Soul," which I only recently learned about as a term and experience because it intensified greatly these last months. I stumbled upon it after some google searching on Telepathy. After all the purposeful learning, purging, preparing, and releasing over the last 12 years ....I sometimes wonder what if I'd never done it at all? That is a scary thought. But then I think why is it that I did all that work and I still am where I am? I have been feeling really stuck and stagnant in a way I'd never really experienced before. Just a recap of events of the last four years: I became a Mom, struggled with post-partum, lost my Mom to COPD, my Dad walked away (again) 3 months after the birth of my son, my cat Joplin (aka: Jippy Joppa Jackson, raised from kitten to age 13) died, we moved from a single-family house with a 2-car garage complete with garden and yard and I moved away from my support system, into a townhome and eventually a room with a shared kitchen and bathroom. All the moving and downsizing was in preparation of getting into an RV and moving around until we found a homestead to plant our roots. I took on my Mom's estate personally (self-sabotage). I lost most of my "friends" because I was too angry and not my normal positive self. I stopped doing what I loved and basically became angry, bitter, irritable, and a hermit. I was diagnosed end stage Adrenal Fatigue and borderline Addison's when I was at my lowest point. I was diagnosed with symptoms of PTSD. That is A LOT to happen and process in a short period of time. I didn't always handle it well and I saw the areas I was struggling, but felt powerless as the waves kept coming higher than I could handle them.The beauty of all this is that I also learned my boundaries, removed all the illusions I had about people, relationships, and families. I relied on myself and began the process of affirming myself for the first time in my life. I experienced my emotions, especially sadness and anger in a way that can only be described as "releasing all my ancestral karma". I felt it burning all the way to my knees and it poured out of me when I wailed and screamed in anger and pain for all the women in my family. It's a bumpy ride when you go deep down into the energy of the lower chakras. I thought I was going to die and I wanted to because at some point all the joy had been sucked out of me. This was intensified after experiencing visions at night just a few weeks before my Mom passed. I would awake at night from energies that seemed to be entering in quite literally through the front door and they were so loud I would awake screaming. It was a jarring experience.
I began seeing omens symbolizing communication and hoping spiritually I'd become interested in life again. I attempted throwing myself into my passion. It didn't work. The desire to do this work was gone–both the personal inner work and the outward expression of service through coaching, blogging, and sharing in my health group. I was at a loss. Neck problems persisted and I thought all was lost for good. I persisted, but was losing hope.
I didn't realize the part of the problem was the lack of communication with myself. I'd been asking myself for a while if my marriage was keeping me stuck. Where we once used to at least always seem to be improving, we now were at a stalemate and I noticed I could only go so far in my own healing before one interaction with my husband would set me back emotionally and mentally. We came together at a time we were both very unhealthy–12 years ago physical altercations were the norm and so was getting shit-faced drunk. We'd been seeing our 4th marriage counselor for over a year when I came to a place of understanding that we have limited personal resources and our marriage was flatlined (for me) and there was nothing we could do about it because we were doing the best we could and just didn't have time for each other. We were both tired and feeling overwhelmed and overburdened.
Then my prayers were answered. I'd been cursing Creator for quite a while and doubting all the things I learned via my spiritual connection years earlier. I felt awful and was trapped (by my perceived lack of power) in a spiral of negative thinking. However, at the same time I was wishing for something to wake me up and get me back to feeling motivated, inspired, and connected to life energy. It began one night when I was awoke with a start to look up an old love–the one it took me 2 years to get over even though we barely dated for a few weeks, and also the one who came into my life at my first awakening. I resisted looking him up, but after many nights I gave in and realized he shared my Mom's birth date. After deciding that was at best Mom saying hi, a month later I awoke every night for a week getting intense urges to look him up again. I resisted because I was afraid of what it meant. I was afraid of my feelings for him because of the intensity I recall of them before. I was afraid of my urgent feelings to look him up. I finally caved and realized he was living a couple miles from where I was living. During that same week, I came to 2 important conclusions. One, my husband was never going to emotionally fulfill me and I was going to have to do that job myself both by forming new friendships that were supportive and healthy and by giving myself the good stuff instead of seeking it out in another. Two, I became aware of an old feeling resurfacing–this intense all-consuming feeling of loneliness. I saw a connection somehow between this old love and this loneliness and I thought to myself "nope, not looking to another again because I'm doing too well" (ha, lies we tell ourselves when we're in denial). Two nights later I was watching a movie, and I kept hearing a very specific term (that I now know to be his YouTube screen name) over and over again. It got louder and louder to the point where I could no longer concentrate on the movie and had to google it. I did and saw nothing of importance. I heard "look on YouTube" and when I did there he was playing acoustic guitar and looking just like I remember and every feeling I ever had about him came rushing back like a tidal wave inside. I spent the whole night trying to resist it. Then in the morning I remembered that all my work had taught me to go into the feeling, not resist it. So I created a playlist with all our songs and reminisced and cried and got angry and felt a whole range of emotions I'd not felt in a long time. After 4 weeks of going to the woods daily, because it was the only place I didn't have any anxiety, I learned that while I may have married a soul mate, my twin flame came back and I manifested him.
The more I sat with my emotions (instead of chasing him) the more I learned about how I'll never be satisfied in any relationship until I deal with a few things: addressing the belief that I can't be on my own because I'm weak and could never support myself; addressing the fact that my old outdated ideas of love were keeping me trapped in a relationship that was not satisfying or healthy and I was setting a shitty example for my son by staying in it, and that because I was not addressing any of these issues and tolerating and settling for crumbs I was getting unhealthier by the day. I was angry and irritable and feeling suicidal. I could not take care of myself living with my family. The toxic relationship and child who wanted me 24/7–and I didn't want to leave him either. I realized then that the ONLY answer was to move out, get my own space, and fulfill myself. Be the Mom and person I want to be. I don't have the feelings for my husband that I should to want to make him feel special (no one can make another feel, but I don't feel romantic feelings at all and that's not fair to him) and I haven't felt them from him in so long I don't care whether he has them or not. We both took turns being narcissistic and in victimhood. We could not break the cycle maybe because we had way too many years of tearing each other down. As far as I saw it, we had a chance and now that our son is here I feel very strongly and have for some time that I do not have time for an unhealthy relationship, taking care of myself, and being a good Mom. I had to choose. And I chose me and my son. If there's one thing I earned from my upbringing, it's that being raised by parents who aren't aware of when to walk away is painful for a child. I want my son to experience joy and happiness and true family, which I feel has taken place since I moved out. His Dad and I are working toward co-parenting with our son leading the way in what that looks like and us as the parents rising up to the challenge of putting our personal issues aside and finding balance to reflect our values in how we raise him. I am 110% in a better place and taking care of myself in a stellar way. I quite literally transformed my health over the last 8 months and am balanced in daily movement, caring for my body through nutrition, slowing down, processing emotions, writing, following my passion, and co-creating with God. I know this because miracles are occurring daily and my thoughts manifest within hours, synchronicities abound ALL THE TIME, which was an almost forgotten experience. My intuition and psychic gifts are coming in full speed and opening full throttle. I dropped 25 pounds like it was nothing and suddenly am in tune with what I need. I am no longer rushing through life or picking up on every single emotion of everyone around me, both of which I've experienced a lot of over the last 12 years. I am experiencing joy and feelings of passion and excitement and hope. I am not without mistakes or shit moments, but it's a world of difference from where I was 8 months ago.
The thing is I am still greatly affected by the feelings I have for this past love. It's been 8 months since this began and we have communicated telepathically and also via song on YouTube (literally expressing feelings via songs and their lyrics) since the beginning. The messages I am receiving from him via song are mixed (loving at times and angry and accusatory comments at other times). I am sure, due to this most recent Awakening, that I am to learn more about my attachments in the abuse cycle and where I still have wounds. I am sure this is meant to help me grow. But it's bothersome that I physically left a marriage to get away from toxic relationship patterns all to be guided to follow my feelings, which feel like intense burning love to yet another potentially abusive situation (zero signs of this from our past experiences too by the way)....even if it is from a distance and mostly via energy. I vow to be patient with myself and my process, as it is intertwined with lessons steeped in love by Creator and my Higher Self.
My intentions are to share my experiences and what I'm learning along the way to radical self love after a lifetime of abuse. I am letting go of my limited perceptions of love and the need to be in a romantic relationship. I am focusing on myself and growing my inner abundance, so that I am able to realize my dreams and allow my higher self and whole heart to direct my life. I'm in relationship to myself, God, and every person I choose to interact with and that's where I stand for now.
Through this journey my path has opened up to Tarot and Astrology. Even the astrological events as of 8 months ago are lined up with my experiences, which is NOT coincidental. Also, as it happened at my first Awakening, I am channeling the love I feel in my heart to inspire my service work.
Intention for next piece: Blocks for letting go because I surely have to.
Thank you, Creator, for the space to share myself and the love in my heart freely. May it help even one person.
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