Things "friends" would not say to you....and how this relates to self care and love.

                                          

        

This is my own personal list made to help others consider who may not be as true blue as they say. Some of them have been said by people I had as my inner circle....who are no longer!

Now keep in mind, even the "worst" of friends can teach the best of lessons, so view this not as a complaint list because it certainly is not. We're all at different perspectives, but the important thing is how you're left feeling after interactions and how you take care of yourself. Because if you allow people in your life who leave you feeling less than, you're really letting them (and the universe) know "it's ok, I don't mind being treated this way". 

1. "Why do you have an answer for everything and have to use so many words?" Said after them asking me questions about myself.....

Well, because I know myself well and I'm verbose! 

After they pointed this out several times, I found myself cringing at every response I gave them because I wondered if they were going to judge it. I started doubting myself and wondering if I was too wordy and wondering if I should change that to make myself more easy to like (wtf?). 

2. "I am your IT person"- as said on Greys Anatomy......

It seems to me it's my job to decide who my IT person is and not someone else to tell me (after knowing them less than a year and only hanging out twice).

3. "You've been doing this (healing) thing for a lot longer than me, shouldn't you be further along?" Or "You should know better than that!".

Wow, are you my friend or a judge? 

You know what's interesting to me? I was abused and abused myself for so long that at first this didn't seem like a big deal to me, but when my own inner voice started reflecting that of this "friend" I knew it was time to reconsider. 

The above were said to me within a few weeks of me beginning to open myself to this person. Because she was very open and on a healing journey too and I thought we could talk openly (because we had before), I actually attempted to share with her my experience and do you know what came of that? Everything I shared previously was thrown in my face and there was an attempt to cut me down with her words- I reacted internally for about 30 seconds before I energetically said my goodbyes and see you later with a lot of love. No sense in feeling badly towards her. She helped me to see that I am no longer willing to settle with what I want to experience in life. I don't have to put up with that or try to fix it. It's not my job or responsibility. 

4. In response to saying "if it doesn't serve me, grow me, or make me happy I'm letting it go" I was told by a friend, "I tried that and wasn't very happy with making that decision for myself (which basically means you shouldn't do that)." 

I'm not sure in what context she meant it didn't work for her since she didn't care to elaborate, but telling someone else they shouldn't do something because it didn't work for you (especially something as positive as that) just didn't settle with me. 

5. Feeling a rift in the force you call framily (which we both referred to eachother as many times over 6 years) and asking about it not once but several times, over some months, because you can feel something is off. And then their actions shows you something is wrong. But each time you ask you're told "nothing, everything is fine." Then after almost a year you finally think to ask "was it me and my negativity?" you're told "yes, it was due to the anger you seemingly don't want to deal with and I didn't know how to say it?" WHAT?!?!?! 

How about one of the many times I asked? How about gently with love? How about any other way other than bailing? And the real kicker is she was just as "angry" and negative about the same kind of stuff I was as we were both struggling with new Mom life and I'm sure "mama drama" (which is lack of care by our actual moms while we were developing, so we treat ourselves and eachother like shit until we learn how to mama ourselves). Had I ever gone off on her or been nasty? No. Did I complain all the time? No. It's sad, but I can say I checked because we spent most of our communication via text and I actually went back to read every one. Yes, this is how fucked up I've been in the past with female friendships. She is a wonderful person in so many ways, but when it came down to the wire of inner circle material, no communication= no go! That whole situation brought me to not being able to trust this person and when you've known someone that long and this is where you end up, with the person not talking, it's best to walk away in love. Or at least, that is the case for me. Maybe we'll find our way back to eachother one day and maybe we won't. 

I can say this, it was hard going through it, but once releasing these scenarios as friendships, the most lovely thing happened. The women in my life stepped up. Real conversations started happening. Real sharing. I felt cared for, by me, because I was caring for me by choosing to surround myself with loving friendships instead of chaotic and closed off ones. Looking back, the one thing in common all these friendships (and ones I haven't even written about here)) had was that I was constantly in question about them. I never felt solid in their energy. I never quite knew where we stood. Their actions didn't line up with their words and any real communication was shot down or treated like an attack. 

If you're in a situation like this, allow your feelings to dictate how to care for yourself. It doesn't mean you have to be nasty or cut off contact altogether, but if that's what you need to do to care for yourself than do it because you're worth it! 

Lovingly,

Joanna Rose