Soul As Teacher

Posted on December 1, 2014 Soul as Teacher

Each time I dive into the lower energies I am about to remove a layer of the onion, or at least, that's how I try to look at it. Of course, as I'm plummeting I usually am not aware that's where I'm heading. I just know I get irritable and feel at odds with everyone around me. The beauty is that I don't stay there anymore and instead become aware of where I am shortly after taking the dive and making my way back up. That's the higher energies at work, I suppose. My soul.

Soul gives me the clarity after (or better yet during) something simple. It happened a few weeks ago like this.....

I became really angry about something Matt (my husband) said, but instead of reacting I sat with the anger. Maybe for only 30 seconds. But it was enough to realize I wasn't really angry. I was hurt. Why? Because I thought he was judging what I told him. I gasped as I made my desires clear in awe of what he might say next.

Anger has always been a tough emotion for me to process. In the past I'd smoke it away or drown it in drinks, which also confused me and made it so I couldn't possibly process or let go of anything. But this time I realized I was hurt, and I wondered if I should ask him if he was judging me, but then it became clear...it didn't matter. Was *I* judging me? If I'm ok with it, then his judgement shouldn't affect how I see myself. It became clear right then now much I become vulnerable when expressing my needs or opinions because that was not ok in my previous relationships.

I realized then that an old pattern (and one that is also a family pattern) is perceiving my judgements about myself as though they are someone else's thoughts about *me* (aka projection) and then expecting that person to be responsible for making me feel better. In this manner I might construct ways to prove to them I was worthy, so that they'd approve of whatever it was I thought they were judging me for. What a mess, right?

I remember being told by my spiritual coach that I'd need to find a way to process anger in a way that wasn't hurtful to me. Looking back I realize a lot of my anger came from perceived judgement and was really hurt disguised as anger. Anger was easier to feel because it meant I wasn't weak, whereas hurt meant I must be and that meant I was vulnerable. None of that was a place I was comfortable exploring within myself. While I couldn't see that back then I'm grateful to my soul for showing me that lesson now.

In contrast, it's also walking down the street and being greeted by several or twenty squirrels. :) Some may not agree about this being "soul at work". That's ok. Does this resonate with you?