Coming Out

July 22 2012

I’ve noticed as of late this issue of not being recognized by my peers, as if I am invisible or even worse no one really cares about me. It bothers me and triggers me into sadness and isolation, which then intensifies the problem because it starts to delve into not being worthy of being seen. Where did this come from? Through the years I’ve identified and worked through issues of self worth, and thought I was in a much better place than this seemingly “new” layer of worthiness implies.
I’ve learned over time that sometimes it’s easier to project my issues about myself by making it about someone else (ex: THEY don’t approve of me, THEY don’t want to face their fears, etc. when in reality it’s really me that doesn’t approve of me or want to face my fears), so I wonder if this issue of not feeling acknowledged or seen really has to do more with my FEAR of being seen than it does whether I actually care if others see me or not. Sure, we all want and need connection with others. That’s part of being a human and spiritual being, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m actually referring to people seeing the real me. The me that’s not always happy...that doesn’t always have it together. The me that would rather bottle up than to express myself, and the me that isn’t the best writer or editor and yet putting my stuff out there for people to see anyway.
I once posted something on Myspace (before the Facebook community exploded) and got a frantic call from a family member warning me that “expressing myself in that way will make me look unstable and crazy”. I thought about that for a long time before coming up with the conclusion that maybe we are all just a little bit unstable and crazy at times? If other people view me this way and they feel awkward about it, maybe they’re just not comfortable with their own craziness. Maybe that’s a cop out on my part, or something to help me feel better, but one thing I know is this: when I sit in a healing circle with other people as they expose themselves and their weaknesses I can identify with them and relate on an intimate level. Whereas, in a typical social circle people around me seem to “fake it” and wear a smile even when they don’t want to be, and say things that deflect the suffering they may be going through at the time. That isn’t helpful to me and it culminates in feelings of separateness. It’s pretty easy to tell when someone isn’t being authentic, isn’t it?

Since this blog is not just my personal space, but also an extension of my health and wellness practice I worry about expressing myself so freely, as if someone sees I’m not perfect they may not want to work with me. I’ve concluded that I’m not perfect, no one is, and I’m willing to accept that it’s through my struggles that I MAY help someone else come to terms with theirs (at the very least I am helping myself). That’s works for me.
Today is about getting naked and coming out....imperfections and all. No more playing it safe! Exposing myself to anyone who reads this, but also an action to show myself that it’s ok to be myself.....unstable, beautiful, spontaneous, imperfect, and whole.